Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

- Ambrose Redmoon

The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

On nights like tonight..

About 98% of the time, I am joyful in my life.  I have never had to go without the things that I need.  I have a very hard working, sweet, handsome husband.  I have amazing parents who continue to be my biggest fans.  I get along great with my in-laws.  I have three wonderful nephews.  I have a few GREAT friends (which is really all you need).  I am super close with my extended family both on my side and on Nate's side.  I went to college. I love teaching (and miss it very much).  I am on a very rewarding walk with God.  And of course I get to be Xavier's mommy...I am very blessed.

However, every once in a while I will have a night like tonight.  Tonight I am living in a world of WHY and WHAT IF's.  I am hurt and angry and mad.  It is not fair that X had to go through all that pain.  Sometimes he looks and me and I feel like he is remembering it all and wondering why I didn't take his pain away.  I hope that one day he will understand that I did all I could to make him comfortable.  I just don't understand it.  I have moments when I blame myself.  I want another child, but I am scared to death that his/her heart will not develop correctly.  I am sad that there is nothing that I can do to prevent it.  I never thought that my life would be days and days of worry and anxiety.  He is doing great tonight..but what about tomorrow.  Every sneeze, every cough, every fuss..I wonder.  Should I call the doctor, the cardiologist?  Should I just put him in the car and drive to Philly?  On nights like tonight I wonder how long he will live.  I wonder if he will enjoy his life or if he will be always wishing it were different.  Will he wish he could be a football star? Will he fall in love?  Will her get married and have children of his own.  Will her bury me  someday...or.....So on nights like tonight, I turn to God.  I do not understand his ways or his plan.  I am not even sure yet what his plan for me is.  But one thing that I do have is my faith.  It has carried me to this place and it will continue to carry me.  I strongly believe that if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.  I allow myself a good cry every once in a while.  I even allow myself an anxiety attack or two...but I will continue to live in joy most of the days of my life.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Hebrews 11:1  Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

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