Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

- Ambrose Redmoon


The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.

-Buddha



Friday, November 11, 2011

First Grade, Grandma and Goodbyes!!

Spring has sprung and in the world of first grade that means the class play was well under way.  This year we were doing BUGZ.  It had super fun songs and a great anti bullying message. I wasn't feeling too bad at this point.  It was early May and I had come to terms with everything.  I had a huge support system at work.  My principal was Xavier's biggest fan.  And my teaching partner, who is more like a mother to me (however she is wayyyy too young to be my mom), was there for me every step of the way.  We had a plan and now we were just waiting.  I am not one to take a seat and let others do my job, so when it came time to have rehearsals for the play I decided to chirography the dances.  Seems sensible for an 9 month pregnant woman to do.  I had a blast. My favorite was the ladybug dance.  Even after the girls learned it I had to get up and do it with them.  Imagine me along with 65 first graders and three other teachers dancing with a feather boa in a very warm elementary school lunch room.  I wish someone would have taped it.  I remember the practice on Wednesday, May 17th.  We met for longer and I felt amazing.  I had so much energy.  I danced to every song.  My teaching partner kept looking at me funny.  "When are you seeing the doctor again" she asked.  "Today", I said with a smile.  Her response...."See you in June!".  I didn't believe her.  I didn't feel like I was close to having X.  I put my kids on the bus, tied up some lose ends for the next day and left with a "see ya all tomorrow"!

We got to the doctor and did all the normal stuff.  Heart sounded good.  My weight was good.  My belly was measuring right where they wanted it to be.  The doc decided to check my cervix.  She had a funny look on her face and asked when we planned on going to Philly.  We had an appointment the following Tuesday.  We had planned to go to that and see what they thought.  I had to make it to the play which was the following Thursday.  I figured I would at least make it to Memorial Day.  She told us to go home and pack.  It was her opinion that we leave in the morning.  So that night I started to pack for two.  It was so surreal and exciting and scary and sad.  And it would only get sadder.  I was asleep for about 15 minutes when Nate came in and woke me.  "I just got off the phone with you dad", he said.  "I have some bad news."  I know exactly what he was going to say.  After a very short illness my grandmother had passed away.  My thoughts turned to my mom.  Of course I had to go home. I had to be there for her.  I had to say goodbye.  Grandma was never going to meet X.  I knew deep down that I would not make it to the funeral.  I still feel a deep sense of guilt for not being there.  But I know that she watches over Xavier.  When he looks off into nothing, I know he is seeing her and my grandfathers watching over him.


1 comment:

  1. Jackie,

    Please don't feel guilty about missing the funeral. It was lovely as far as funerals go, but it is more important that you take care of the living. You did that by going to Philadelphia. Your heart was there and that is all really matters.

    Gram is watching over all of us and I'm sure she especially watched over X during his surgeries.

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